When Bad Things Happen To Good Folks

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I know you’re a good person. You know you’re a good person. Given the opportunity you can list the great things you have done for anyone and pat yourself on the back for being such an outstanding citizen. Granted, with all the great things you’ve done, you find that good karma has not graced you with its presence. Today you’re probably wondering why bad luck is following you around like a lost puppy.

Beware of the Serial Monogamist

 Jude Law & Sienna Miller in "Alfie(2004)"

A while back I wrote a very intriguing post called it won’t last where I talked about the signs a relationship is doomed for failure. This topic seemed appropriate to revisit. While at lunch with my ladies, I nosily overheard a woman’s angry conversation about her ex boyfriend and the fact he had a new relationship after only a week post break up.

Sidebar: I know it’s incredibly rude to listen in to other people’s conversation, but I couldn’t help myself! The topic was just too juicy!

Now pardon me for being so frank, but it is absolutely absurd that a perfectly sane person could miss the signs of a doomed relationship. This was a classic case of a serial monogamist at play. I am neither shocked nor surprised of how her relationship unfolded. Unfortunately some relationships end up like this because serial monogamism is a very unusual tactic, but is still commonly used. To break it down, a serial monogamist is an individual who loves to put on the show of monogamy. (Think along the lines of Casanova or Don Juan) These people relish in the experience of being in these pseudo relationships because of all the benefits they reap in the short term.  For a moment in time they indulge themselves in the pleasures of the “honeymoon phase” then quickly relinquish the relationship once the chemistry has faded and move with laser speed onto the next one.

Rather than wag our fingers and berate these individuals for their uncouth behavior we need to understand that they are only perpetuating this uncontrollable cycle because they lack consciousness of their actions. Any logical person can see that this serial monogamist is just a commitment phoebe in disguise. But they are oblivious! A commitment phoebe won’t come out right and say “I’m scared of committing”. No!  They’ll say something along the lines of “I’m not ready”, “Let’s take it slow”, etc. But a serial monogamist doesn’t say things like this because they are in a state of denial. So in contrast, they’ll say things like “I’m looking for something serious” or “I really want you to be my everything.” Now I’m sure you’re thinking that doesn’t sound abnormal, but it does if the person is saying it to you after only two weeks of dating! When you encounter this…be very afraid! So here’s how to spot a Casanova in action:

1.       They have a devilish way with words: everything that comes out of their mouth will sound like sweet perfection. Be very suspicious of someone who wants to offer you the world and doesn’t even know your favorite brand of deodorant.

2.       They assume the role of your partner without you even knowing: You’ll slowly start to notice they go from calling you occasionally to every night. Now add terms of endearment, plans for Christmas, and viola! you have yourself a relationship

3.       Time! Time! Time: this person will rush into your life faster than a speeding bullet. They are quick to move things along while also claiming “we have all the time in the world, no pressure”

4.       Their dating pattern is a secret: Do not confuse this with their relationship history! They will be quick to tell you about their past relationships, but what happens in between the commitment is almost always a mystery

5.       They love to show off the psuedo relationship: They display the relationship like a shiny Masarati in a show room. Instead of reveling in the intimacy of the relationship, they take delight in the approval they receive from the public. They’re usually showing people your picture or lovey-dubby text messages to get a positive reaction

6.       They refuse to deal with conflict: At the first sign of conflict they are already making plans to bail the relationship and talking to a new prospect.  Instead of working through issues, they make insincere apologies and rationalize you’re being too sensitive or crazy

Now as silly as this may sound we may have an inclination to fall for this almost fairytale like situation; however, we must restrain ourselves. That person does not need our love; they need a therapist (or a really good friend). Their audacious behavior is clearly the result of repressed issues in which they need to sort out for themselves. If you so happen to be in the presence of a serial monogamist the greatest advice you can give them is to be single.

Enjoy

xxx

Becoming the Woman of His Dreams

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In my twenties believe I’ve learned much more about men than I have ever before. What I have come to conclude is that although men claim to be creatures of simplicity, they are actually as complex as women.  What makes this so hilarious to me is that tradition tells us as women, we should acquire one of these men and commence the process of heading down the aisle.  But how can one even begin think about such a task when we have yet to understand the needs and desire of a man’s enigmatic mind?

The amounts of theories I hear about getting a man to commit to a woman have me so confused I am tempted to rebuke them all. It wasn’t until my recent romantic fiasco that I truly began to understand how to become the woman of a man’s dream. Almost every man I have met tells me the same thing: “You’re different”. And this is where my revelation began. Hearing this is a good thing because in essence they are intrigued by my authenticity. Most women are trained to disguise their true selves until they have gotten a man to commit. We fall into a pattern of lavishing ourselves in seductive clothing, fake hair, makeup, etc. We even adapt rituals with the sole purpose of pleasing a man. However, unless these habits are things that come naturally to us, any man who enters our life will be able to see right through this pretense.

What it comes down to is this:  a real man….a good man…a man of integrity… the man of your dreams wants a genuine, authentic woman. What does that mean? It means be yourself. Do what you love, dress how you like and speak your mind. Contrary to belief, men do not want to commit to a Stepford wife. They want commit to a woman who has integrity, respect for herself, and refuses to put up with anything less than she deserves.

So here it is ladies, the not so secret way to becoming the man of his dreams:

1.       Earn His Respect. He will test you in many ways with anything he can. He is making a mental note of every move you make and everything you say. The key is to show that no matter what the circumstance is, you always have enough grace & tact to act dignified.

2.       Be Authentic. Don’t stifle your true identity because you’re trying to impress someone. Everyone has flaws! So no one in a position to judge your individuality. Learn to be secure with who you are and men will be drawn to your difference.

3.       Be Self Sufficient. Have your own! This means your own money, friends, mean of transportation, place to live, & life! I cannot stress how important it is to not be co-dependent. Men need to know you are not a leech.

4.       Love Yourself. Love every single dimple, stretch mark, pimple, wrinkle, and hair follicle on your body. If you can’t prove to a man that you love yourself than he’s not going to love you either.

5.   Have Confidence. Aside from physical confidence, be confident in every decision you make even if he doesn't like it. You may as well start removing "I don't know" and "I can't" from your vocabulary. Having a mind of your own is intruiging, a yes girl is boring. Again he will test you!

I guess the irony in all this is that the best way to attract a man is to completely forget about him and the idea of commitment. Instead focus on understanding and appreciating yourself. I clearly can’t speak for the true desire of every man because I am obviously not one.  But I do identify with the idea of being attracted to a respectable, self sufficient person of integrity. Therefore I believe the most logical thing to do is to take a lesson out of the man handbook and start applying it towards ourselves.

Enjoy

xxx

Making Asinine Decisions

I've kick myself a million times for many of the decisions I've made (especially as of late because they've heavily affected my business). At the time it seemed to be the best choice. I weight the pro and cons then came to a quick solution. I felt great about my decision for about 24 hours when everything looked brighter and possibilities seemed endless. After that I was haunted by those dreadful doubts.

Dear John, Get Over It

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I say this with terms of endearment but as of late I've encountered one man too many who can't seem to let go of the past. We all know break ups go both ways. Women who decide to end the relationship in most case throw men for a loop. In essence she is stripping that man of the power he thinks he has over her and replacing it with an unbreakable enchantment. In situations like this, the man plays the role of the heart broken, tear jerking, obsessively begging stereotype usually associated with women post breakup. It is those first precious moments of heartache that I completely extend my sympathy for these men (after all having a broken heart really sucks). Unfortunately, after the initial gut wrenching stage my sympathy for them ends.

Throw Up Your Guards

To all my die hard Lauryn Hill fans I'm sure you remember the song Doo Wop. I remember being a little girl and my sister and I dancing to the song like a declaration of true independence. This song was the epitome of  "watch out". It rang truths in the eyes of society. Sadly, I find myself still playing this song in my head every time I hear a story of heart ache or encounter another bump on the road to happily ever after.