It's late, I'm emotional and for all sense of logical thinking should not be writing write now. Yet here I am with fingers steadily moving across the keyboard opening my heart to this not so private diary. The next few posts or so will be kind of raw, unedited and short. I've been exposed to a lot of experiences over the last few weeks that have unconsciously kicked me back into a places where I need to truly internalize my actions.
What bothers me tonight, is an inability to be vulnerable. The word itself sounds almost disgusting. The very idea of intentionally putting oneself in a position that may or may not cause you harm sounds audacious. Borderline idiotic...well just idiotic. However, with all my reservations about being vulnerable it seems that vulnerability may be the key to the missing piece of my life.
I was always taught never to reveal too much. Experience with being too openly emotional around the wrong person has cause me to harbor the belief that opening oneself up does not provide power, but instead stifles our growth. It was moments when I would reveal a private thought to a close friend, only to have them expose that very information to the world that caused me pause. It happen when I would go out of my way to do something special for a virtual stranger, only to realize that they care nothing about my welfare nor do they even remotely remember my gratuitous gesture.
These bits of vulnerabilities were small, yet that simple exposure meant something to me. So here I am at 26 wondering why it's so hard to maintain new relationships/friendships when my mind keeps reminding me that at any given moment, someone is waiting for the moment my guard goes down to destroy my happiness.
Whether intentional or not, the fact is opening oneself up is a risk. The question that haunts me right now is, when looking to make new found bonds as a twenty-something, should we take that risk to be vulnerable or simply live with the idea that a cautious perspective is just a way of life?
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