From Virginity to Abstinence

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I turn on the music and begin to relax to the jams of Jill Scott. The tune in particular that is invading my eardrum is Imagination. My heart stops. As I listen to each lyric the trusty organ in my chest cavity literally aches because Jill is describing something I've always imagined myself but had never experienced. Making love. Making passionate love at that. And just when I've gotten lost in the eloquence the heavy hypnotic beat of Crown Royal drops and I'm completely enticed. After the erotic song hits completion here I am left alone with my sensual thoughts and yet significantly I came to a very unusual contentment.

When I was young I was absolutely uninterested in sex. Throughout high school I held steadfast to my virginity while other girls in my class bragged about losing it. Maybe it was the fact that I watched many of my fellow classmates get pregnant before graduation which petrified me. Or maybe it was the idea of possibly contracting a horrendous incurable disease after just one sexual encounter that made me cringe at the thought of even touching someone. Whatever it was, the idea of it was not in my priorities and I was unwilling to neither take the risk nor suffer the repercussions of starting. So a virgin I remained.

But of course, there was the one. The one (or so I thought at the time) who had me so smitten I couldn't think straight. I remember someone telling me "Oh my God, he's going to corrupt you." I laughed at the time; however it's not so funny now as he really did corrupt me. Anyway, fast forward a year later and I finally gave him my "delicate flower". After all was said and done...after all the anticipation... all the dreaming, and all the lust no amount of words could express the utter disappointment I felt. It lacked the passion and pleasure that I had envisioned it to be considering how deeply I loved him. The truth is I knew the reason it was so bland was because we were never supposed to be together to begin with. To this day I have yet to find that passion.

We all grow up with the idea that intimacy in conjection with feelings is the perfect way to show someone how much you care about them. However we're human, and "the one" will not come knocking at our door any time soon. So some give in and engage in casual encounters to satify those needs. The problem is when we introduce casual sex into the life formula, it then becomes very hard to place any sort of distinguished value of the act as a display of affection. I had a conversation with a male friend who tried to rationalize a correlation between his intimate feelings and sex at which point I made the blatant declaration that "sex is just sex". He looked at me with shock as if hearing this from a woman was unheard of. Unfortunately this is another great lesson I have learned in life. The longer we progress in life + the more we engage in casual intercourse = the less value we place on the act of intimacy. It is not abnormal to have a dialogue about sex with someone in this day and age as if it were a discussion about a football game. It's all about scoring, how many times, in how many ways. Gone are the days of the hopeless romantic where people would use sex as the highest level of expressing love. The days where Boyz II Men would serenade us have been replaced with songs like "S&M". Sex is a joke. And the mass majority of society is having casual encounters while laughing their way to the bedroom.

But for the few who are holding out for the real thing, I empathize with you. We most certainly are stuck at a crossroads when it comes to our intimate desires. There’s no denying that it’s hard to say no. We either choose to succumb to our physical needs or wait so that we can receive an even greater pleasure than those few moments of immediate gratification. There are times when I listen to songs like Crown Royal and start to play with the idea of how insane it would be if I could just jump into bed with some devilishly handsome man, but then my memory kicks in reminding me how lifeless and cold it is to give my body to someone who is simply not worthy. Think of it this way: you can't find your soulmate if you're laying under someone else. For me, giving in is not an option. I guess until the day I find the real one, my middle name will unofficially become Abstinence. To me it'll all be worth it when my Imagination finally catches up to my reality.

Enjoy
xxx