Beware of the Serial Monogamist

 Jude Law & Sienna Miller in "Alfie(2004)"

A while back I wrote a very intriguing post called it won’t last where I talked about the signs a relationship is doomed for failure. This topic seemed appropriate to revisit. While at lunch with my ladies, I nosily overheard a woman’s angry conversation about her ex boyfriend and the fact he had a new relationship after only a week post break up.

Sidebar: I know it’s incredibly rude to listen in to other people’s conversation, but I couldn’t help myself! The topic was just too juicy!

Now pardon me for being so frank, but it is absolutely absurd that a perfectly sane person could miss the signs of a doomed relationship. This was a classic case of a serial monogamist at play. I am neither shocked nor surprised of how her relationship unfolded. Unfortunately some relationships end up like this because serial monogamism is a very unusual tactic, but is still commonly used. To break it down, a serial monogamist is an individual who loves to put on the show of monogamy. (Think along the lines of Casanova or Don Juan) These people relish in the experience of being in these pseudo relationships because of all the benefits they reap in the short term.  For a moment in time they indulge themselves in the pleasures of the “honeymoon phase” then quickly relinquish the relationship once the chemistry has faded and move with laser speed onto the next one.

Rather than wag our fingers and berate these individuals for their uncouth behavior we need to understand that they are only perpetuating this uncontrollable cycle because they lack consciousness of their actions. Any logical person can see that this serial monogamist is just a commitment phoebe in disguise. But they are oblivious! A commitment phoebe won’t come out right and say “I’m scared of committing”. No!  They’ll say something along the lines of “I’m not ready”, “Let’s take it slow”, etc. But a serial monogamist doesn’t say things like this because they are in a state of denial. So in contrast, they’ll say things like “I’m looking for something serious” or “I really want you to be my everything.” Now I’m sure you’re thinking that doesn’t sound abnormal, but it does if the person is saying it to you after only two weeks of dating! When you encounter this…be very afraid! So here’s how to spot a Casanova in action:

1.       They have a devilish way with words: everything that comes out of their mouth will sound like sweet perfection. Be very suspicious of someone who wants to offer you the world and doesn’t even know your favorite brand of deodorant.

2.       They assume the role of your partner without you even knowing: You’ll slowly start to notice they go from calling you occasionally to every night. Now add terms of endearment, plans for Christmas, and viola! you have yourself a relationship

3.       Time! Time! Time: this person will rush into your life faster than a speeding bullet. They are quick to move things along while also claiming “we have all the time in the world, no pressure”

4.       Their dating pattern is a secret: Do not confuse this with their relationship history! They will be quick to tell you about their past relationships, but what happens in between the commitment is almost always a mystery

5.       They love to show off the psuedo relationship: They display the relationship like a shiny Masarati in a show room. Instead of reveling in the intimacy of the relationship, they take delight in the approval they receive from the public. They’re usually showing people your picture or lovey-dubby text messages to get a positive reaction

6.       They refuse to deal with conflict: At the first sign of conflict they are already making plans to bail the relationship and talking to a new prospect.  Instead of working through issues, they make insincere apologies and rationalize you’re being too sensitive or crazy

Now as silly as this may sound we may have an inclination to fall for this almost fairytale like situation; however, we must restrain ourselves. That person does not need our love; they need a therapist (or a really good friend). Their audacious behavior is clearly the result of repressed issues in which they need to sort out for themselves. If you so happen to be in the presence of a serial monogamist the greatest advice you can give them is to be single.

Enjoy

xxx